ARIES

Despite your 14 years training as a carpet salesman, Jupiter moves into your 5th house (in northern Sweden) and starts cooking the tea, so you hand the business over to your illegitimate cat. On Friday, your Renault 4 wins the Mississippi Girl Of The Year contest, but claims that the result was fiddled leave you bankrupt, and fish-like.

TAURUS

Personal problems at home feature heavily in your immediate future, so the car becomes a source of solace and respite. However, a red door signals a new man, and whilst receiving a knee massage, you cannot help overhearing a conversation about Egyptian carrot varieties.

GEMINI

In a bid to keep abreast of developments surrounding the Atlantic Portakabin scandal, you enlist an old friend from the chip shop to spy on the ocean bed. But hopes of a captain's supper are scuppered when the first water cabin is revealed to contain nothing more than a Renault 4 gearstick collection from the 1970's.

CANCER

Pop singing sensation Vanessa Paradise eats your footwear, but she cannot take your soul. Early moves in the stock market can bring prosperity, but steer clear of unnecessary varnish displays. You encounter dashboard worries whilst driving to the local clinic, but these will dissolve by Thursday.

LEO

Pumping up tyres has never been your strong point, and the forthcoming full moon proves this beyond doubt. But your ruler Pluto aids you in making decisions about love, death, and trousers. A character from your past makes an unexpected appearance in southern Cyprus. Destiny paints a red rose.

VIRGO

You have always known your eyebrows are not minty enough, but this week's events only hasten your decision to paddle the Pacific Ocean using only a knife and fork. Political events trigger a sad, yet fond memory of days gone by sunning yourself in the back seat of a Renault 4.

LIBRA

The long, cackling humiliation at being caught outside the public goat observation tower with a Mars bar leaves you psychologically disturbed. Events later in the week will change this, when a small bird brings you tranquility in the form of two mild apricots. Renault 4 owners will benefit also from wind tunnel tests near a lake.

SCORPIO

Whilst excelling in areas such as trumpet navigation and barcode flattery, you have always had a weakness for orange segments in a draught. Personal changes could leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth, but your car's bonnet will mediate in any disputes that may arise from chicken protests.

SAGITTARIUS

During a conference about scratched acorn growth in central Europe, Jack Nicholson invites you to a Renault 4 party at his lodge in the Swiss mountains. Be careful though, as the ultimate sacrifice could involve taming an otter to the point of overindulgence, and party guests will think you're mad. Which you are.

CAPRICORN

The long-awaited trial of your neighbour for gob-smacking a pedestrian gets underway, but before proceedings can begin, all witnesses must partake in neo-classical pancake worship, in accordance with Venezuelan law (section 7, paragraph 5). Renault 4 owners can take comfort from being first over a hill.

AQUARIUS

Don't panic when Metal Mickey, that beloved character from 70's American TV, dies in a horse accident outside Lisbon. A passing Renault 4 brings an unprecedented level of joy. Destiny spells the letter <), which is a new letter I've just invented. Use it for those awkward occasions when neither a 'd' nor an 'o' will make do.

PISCES

A new challenge awaits you as Saturn, your house of new challenges, passes Mercury, the waiter. You'll need to rev yourself up into a higher gear, or all your hard work could be wasted. A sense of accomplishment can only be achieved once you have harrassed oily worms from a shallow grave.