ARIES

Your R4 enters the trendy new extreme sport of panda trampolining, or trampoline de panda as it is known in the French town of Montlucon where the event is staged. However the car is disqualified when Chi-Chi points out that it is an imposter, it doesn't eat bamboo, it has no obvious animated expressions and isn't even black and white. The car returns home shamed and goes straight to bed.

TAURUS

The curtain goes up on a new show you've co-created with your R4 at the Chiswick Youth Rehabilitation Centre main hall (which was the only venue you could afford). This avant garde piece of modern theatre stars your car in a number of poses on stage, accompanied by 7 timpani players who spin clay pots and shout 'freedom' every 3 minutes. It is critically acclaimed as rubbish.

GEMINI

Aliens make their first friendly landing on planet Earth, but crush your car in the process whilst attempting a difficult ground thrust maneouvre. You are outraged at the fact that these creatures and their craft get all the media attention but nobody says a word about your R4 or who's going to foot the bill. It turns out the 'greys' aren't even insured and had a faulty rocket back box, even their UFO ID number was false.

CANCER

Thirty-two abseiling ducks attempt to steal your R4 whilst you leave it parked by the local village pond. They're fed up with those long plant things they have to sleep in at the edge of the river, and have designs on your car's superior furnishings. But one of the pretentious ducks points out the lack of an aga or any similar stylish fish cooking facilities. And that battery will just have to go.

LEO

An unfortunate time for your Renault 4, as it contracts mumps and comes up in a rash. Of course all R4's have to go through this at some stage but you do worry now that the car is 16 years old. You take it to the garage to have an injection in its petrol tank and all is well, except for a brief period where the vehicle gets puffy wings and starts hallucinating and having nightmares about Cremola Foam and KP Wickers.

VIRGO

Your R4 has a bad experience with some dodgy petrol after a night binging on the A5, and decides to go straight for a while, leaving you without transport for several weeks. However it isn't long before the car is back on the guzzle and keeps fighting with Citroens outside pubs on Saturday nights. After a spell in a clinic you convert it to unleaded, and it is rejuvenated as a model R4, it even does its own washing.

LIBRA

Romeo Romeo, R4 art thou Romeo. Your car is appearing in a community theatre production of Romeo and Juliet, but the recent solar eclipse causes a planetary conjunction which brings violent events later in the week for all vehicular Thespians. Meanwhile, your hunt for spares runs into a hitch after the car throws a tantrum and demands you only adorn it with designer label parts.

SCORPIO

After setting up an R4 website a year ago, you sit at home one night upon realisation that the latest astrological predictions are due for uploading. You sit there bored to tears for hours wondering what crap you can summon up out of your fatigued mind, and pondering if anybody ever actually bothers to read it. You get as far as Scorpio, then decide you are ultimately sad and need a life.

SAGITTARIUS

Recent shifts in the constellation over the summer season impact upon your personal affairs, and those of your car. The colour pink symbolises your fight against injustice and furry toilet lid covers. Your R4 starts dating a Fiesta it met down the local supermarket car park, but you can't help feeling this battered old Ford is not good enough for it, and you try to introduce it to your neighbour's Datsun.

CAPRICORN

Capricorns have always had a selfish streak which is never more apparent than when behind the wheel of your Renault 4. You sit there scoffing cakes, guzzling soda and knocking over cyclists with a callous disregard for everybody else on the road. Except you then realise you're in the Tour de France and the crowd are giving you nasty looks. Destiny brings Iggy Pop to your back seat.

AQUARIUS

Only you can decide the fate of your R4 as it sits perched atop a cliff after a recent split with its long term lover. Do you entice it back down with scones and the promise of hockey, or shove it off the edge for a laugh? Aquarian friends will try and influence you as the week passes, but you must learn to exert your power and not be coerced into decisions that do not match your principles. A blue book symbolises rebirth.

PISCES

You discover a small ferret inside your engine compartment, and upon releasing it you experience real pleasure at seeing it return to its natural habitat. Speaking of which, Richard Gere pays a visit to your neighbourhood during filming for a new rodent drama to be released early next year. Beware of false promises during the current alignment with Uranus.