ARIES

A large man in flared cords is found stamping on top of your car by a parking warden. His weak defence is based around the plea that he was preparing a fatbloke fitted sunroof upon demand of you the owner. However, this is thrown out in court and you are awarded damages of £33. Fate plays a surprise hand however, when during a subsequent car crash you are thrown through this new roof-hole of the R4 onto a mattress lying in a nearby skip, and your life is saved as a result. You write letters of thanks to the fat man and meet regularly at a snooker club. Destiny leads to a green component under the bonnet.

TAURUS

The letters P and T symbolise a new dawn in your romantic life - a period which will only be enlightened further if you work hard on saving your rear chassis from rot. The rewards are fulfillment of desire and a new pair of kitchen scissors. Taureans with orange or yellow Renault 4's should be wary of interstellar magnetic activity which can cause you to lose your grip whilst driving. Destiny paints a grotesque figure clutching a horse.

GEMINI

You follow a meandering river whilst on a scenic drive through the countryside. This leads you to a quiet spot overlooking valleys and distant farmhouses. Now is the time to let go of your pent up emotions and release your negative energy into the landscape. Your Renault 4 meanwhile is caught having an affair with a turquoise 3-wheel mobility vehicle close to the council estate. Destiny brings water to your vicinity, and a poignant message inscribed in wood.

CANCER

You take a tumble whilst bounding down some atmospheric urban steps at dusk. A young keen Spanish student comes to your aid and offers to get you a drink in a conveniently located chilled out cafe serving cocoa to bohemian types around the corner. This mellow situation turns to farce however, when a parade of zoo animals come charging along the road holding placards and driving Renault 4's. You join the march but get your pullover chewed by a giraffe and lose the sympathy of the sweet Spanish student you were hoping to take home. Destiny offers you marshmallows.

LEO

The looming conjunction of Pluto and Orion around the winter solstice makes you feel ill at ease as far as Renault 4 repairs are concerned. There just seems to be nothing that can inspire you to make the effort, and your car will doubtless suffer as a result. Fresh hope arrives towards the New Year when a girl with a penchant for lettuce and coconut mushrooms enters your life, and motivates you into attending to your R4's exterior. Destiny shines a bright torch in an emergency.

VIRGO

You are duped into buying a banana xylophone at the local market by a dodgy dealer who convinces you that a tune a day will make your dog stop breathing over you in the back seat of the car whilst you're driving. But after your instrument takes a hammering and the fruits go black and soft, you notice no change with your pet's breathing antics, and must still suffer the dead kipper experience that your dog so thoughtfully provides you with on each journey. Destiny returns a long lost photograph to your life.

LIBRA

You've been neglecting the people closest to you of late, and you shouldn't waste any more time in making it up to them. A well thought out gift containing ginger and whisky will do no end of good in restoring relations. A trip is looming in your house of travel, and as the goddess of love enters the 3rd nebular aspect of Pluto, social gatherings fizz with excitement when you are present. If you've never considered painting your Renault 4 green, there is never a better time than now. Destiny pokes a sharp object at a small child's ankles, which will lead you to a stash of money.

SCORPIO

You attempt to convert your R4 to a one-seater, with a giant steering wheel positioned in the middle of the dashboard, and an enormous seat for a fat person centred inside the car. You turn the 2 doors on each side into one single door and use two battenburg cakes for armrests. The streets are filled with laughter as you drive by, but rest assured that your creation will bring you great fortune over the coming season. Destiny leaves a heap of mashed potato at the foot of your bed.

SAGITTARIUS

A pigoen named Brian nests under your bonnet and starts up a charity for sick orphans. This attracts birds from all over to settle on your car and leave it covered in muck. A man with a mobile pizza van parked along the road begins trading outside his house to try and divert the birds, but they just go and scoop up loose chips and then crap all over your roof. After a call to the local council, the charity is investigated by detectives who uncover fraudulent lottery claims for bird recreational facilities, and it is closed down. Destiny draws a brush and a bucket.

CAPRICORN

Ordinary chores like washing and hoovering become a joy this week, as Altair the Goddess of Domesticity enters your 6th house. Set aside time for yourself doing something you enjoy, as the stresses and strains of Renault 4 restoration will otherwise grind you down. Luck will come your way as the darker nights draw in, and new lighting for your vehicle will arouse your pleasure centres. Destiny makes sand castles in the rain.

AQUARIUS

You stumble across a crate of beer and stash it in your boot for safe keeping, but one of the bottles bursts and leaks over the floor, causing rot to the chassis that will cost you hundreds of pounds. The conjunction of Mercury and Venus this autumn stirs up bad feeling amongst friends, but you act as peacemaker and will be duly rewarded for your efforts in good time. Destiny throws a frosty necklace under your bonnet.

PISCES

Whilst the world goes to war over selfish attempts to acquire oil they have no rights to, you take issue with your local filling station over the price of their sandwiches. You form a picket line outside but are dismayed by the legions of corporate executives who continue purchasing the product under your nose. You blow the petrol station up instead and go to jail for 15 years. Destiny causes you to never believe stupid astrological predictions again.