en

** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Pietrich Gumbrelhöffler

ARIES Having successfully circumnavigated the globe in a tin foil pie tray, you return to find David Icke beat you by just 16 minutes, although his tray was turquoise. So, you set off to be the first person to cross Purley Oaks in a Renault 4 instead. The numbers 4 and 6 herald a fresh start in all matters concerning ketchup.	TAURUS Your Renault 4 wins the contract to organize the next International Blues Brothers convention in Chicago, Dorset, but lack of sponsors forces you to abandon the project shortly before the opening night. Take consolation from the many sympathetic Albanian fans who write to you with requests for dark sunglasses. Destiny paints a trapped coffee spoon.
GEMINI You inherit a small, inexperienced witch named Josephine. Against your family's wishes, you auction her to a Swedish nymph collector, and use the proceeds to start a foundation in honour of Enid Blyton's talking tea towel co-operative. However, your R4 revolts and dishes the dirt on your illegal gooseberry experimentation during the summer of 1954.	CANCER Cancerians have always been famed for one trait above any other, that of unsporting conduct at ping pong matches; and relations with close partners can come under strain if these matters are not attended to for good. The best way to avoid conflict is to let your R4 take the strain, and spend more of your own energy on intimate affairs. The colour purple signifies peace and freedom, but also hints at a bad association with cous cous.
LEO Your fist becomes stuck in the wardrobe during a heated exchange about popular golfing insults. Hospital staff laugh when you enter casaulty adorned by a double door mahogany dresser. The journey home in your R4 is cut short when a womble strays into the road shouting 'take me to Wimbledon you slag'. In typical, casual manner you ignore him, but don't say you weren't warned when he reports you to Cliff Richard.	VIRGO Shattered and penniless, you persevere with plans to revolutionise the national airship dribbling register. Such plans are usually fraught with danger, but being a typical Virgo you take these worries in your stride. Your wing mirror friend, who has been lying low for some time, re-emerges as a saintly Christian healer, but you must reserve all your precious saliver for baking events later in the calendar.
LIBRA With the current planetary activity involving your ruler, Mars, expected to cause disruption to your routine, attempts to contain actor Nicholas Cage within your cloakroom prove fruitless. Towards the end of the month, however, the coinciding of your house of love with the constellation of Leo make for some exciting unplanned events, and R4 owners can expect results after a long unwanted pregnancy.	SCORPIO After deliberating for hours whether to unlock your passenger door from the inside or outside, your friends sneak off for a fag and leave you with a broken heart, and an open passenger door. Quiet reflection on past snooker triumphs can improve your ratings in the local tarmac directory, but be careful not to overestimate the power of cheap furniture wholesalers' advertising campaigns.
SAGITTARIUS The only thing holding you back from achieving long term ambitions this summer is your seatbelt, and a lack of ambition. Attend to these matters and you will hold the key to financial and emotional success. Worries about the integrity of former lovers disappear as the intense solar activity brings on a new dawn for friendship and pistachio nuts.	CAPRICORN Intent on recovering lost earnings from a potato scam that swept the local community, you drive your R4 to the head office of King Edward Pyramid Investment Corp. They refuse to speak to you on the grounds that you didn't pre-arrange the visit, and clamp your car during your wait in reception. But the last laugh is on you, when Keith Chegwin joins your campaign and parades outside their offices naked before a live TV audience.
AQUARIUS You spot your Renault 4's step-daughter in a regional documentary about the menopause. As Neptune takes on a more affirmative role in your solar chart, so your attitude towards all things incontinent becomes more positive. Words of wisdom come from an unexpected female quarter, by the name of Kevin. Keep your approach subtle, and an array of alcoholic opportunities will come your way.	PISCES Marital affairs are buzzing at the moment, and one way to ensure they stay that way is to place your spouse in the boot during long journeys. Upsetting events around the full moon can hamper your best intentions, so a short vacation is a great way to let your mind escape the troubles. Your co-ordinational skills let you down due to the recent planetary alignment, so put your energies into more spiritual activities, such as bomb defusing.

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