en

** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Pedro Gumbrelhos

ARIES After escaping execution on a nearby mountain settlement and making a hasty retreat in an R4, you return home to find customs officials rummaging in your fridge. Their excuses of legitimate conduct based on your suspicious import business activities don't wash with you, so you tie them up and scrape squeaky sponges up and down their arms.	TAURUS Calamities-a-plenty as your R4 gets involved in an affair with an older car. All your warnings go unheeded and the relationship goes sour, resulting in your R4 coming back home to live in your garage for a while. It overstays its welcome considerably, and after thirteen years, you kick it out onto the street, only to learn of its untimely death a week later.
GEMINI The Archbishop of Chipping Sodbury faxes you to invite yourself and a guest to a dinner/dance in aid of the National Foundation for the Advancement of Cherries. But, after hours spent with your partner getting ready and glammed up, your Renault 4 stalls at the traffic lights and fails to restart. You miss the function, and the Archbishop later adds you to his black book.	CANCER After a short holiday at a local cattery, your R4 returns a free spirit and spends countless hours in a tent at the local park chilling out with the foxes. Planetary movements during the new moon will put a hold on plans to realign Sweden, but a short period of wasp interaction will put you back on par. Ignore your car's pleas for a grille piercing - it's just a phase it's going through.
LEO For no apparent reason, you start a new website called 'Blame The Kent Fire Brigade'. You encourage visitors to blame all their problems on the Kent Fire Brigade, but receive a hostile reaction in the local press from the Kent Fire Brigade, blaming you for damage caused to their reputation. Iced bun in hand, you drive in your R4 to the headquarters of the Kent Fire Brigade, and burn it down.	VIRGO Your ruler, Jupiter, clashes with your house of love, Neptune, resulting in fierce arguments every time you ride your Renault 4 to the shops, as well as a huge planetary explosion in the outer solar system. International pop superstar Delores Cranberry flattens a small matchstick sculpture you rather unwisely left in your front garden, but she apologises later live in concert.
LIBRA Continue to hold covert meetings with the King of Bahrain, and you will reap rewards in the form of treasured 19th century clown statues. Renault 4 owners will benefit from changes to the local topography, whereby all owners of boring cars face a stark choice between adopting a maltreated R4, or having their eyes spiked. Destiny paints a cab driver with a runny nose.	SCORPIO Football authority FIFA (Fick Idiots Fat Arses) introduce a new rule which prevents goalkeepers from driving into the opposition's penalty area in an R4. Protests are launched around the world, and an eventual compromise results in R4 goalies being allowed free roam on any area of the pitch, providing they stay in 1st gear.
SAGITTARIUS A cantankerous old man from Sicily steps out in front of your Renault 4 whilst you drive to the vet for your dental appointment. The damage caused to your bonnet is considerable, but you excuse him after he threatens to erect a giant effigy of John Travolta outside your home. Keep your romantic ambitions simple, and you'll be rewarded with a bed of thorns.	CAPRICORN Your ruler, Pluto, holds the key to emotional strength and happiness, but unfortunately he's on vacation in Switzerland. Renault 4 owners will despair at legislative changes aimed at reducing bumper contact with right-wing members of parliament, but you can take heart from the many hundreds of Steps fans who deserve a good knockabout.
AQUARIUS You spend your life praying and worshipping the almighty. You visit church at least twice a day, devote all your energy to healing the sick and wounded, and help spread the word of God. You die in peace having done your duty. Unfortunately, when you reach the gates of heaven, God's doing the hoovering and doesn't hear you knock. The number 6 signifies a new relationship with a Spanish building tycoon.	PISCES Don't let personal feelings get in the way of Chinese take-aways. Follow your instincts and the path to success will become clear. Pay close attention to Renault 4 passengers who try to spoil your day with cheap lager and party nibbles, and push appropriately shaped mini vegetables in their laps where necessary. Go with your heart, and your lungs will surely follow.

home

playroom