en

** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Pietro Gumbriello

ARIES Orange, orange, oh how I love the sweet smell of your orange.... These are the opening words of a poem you will compose about a tangerine coloured R4, shortly before your tragic death in an international Extreme Space-hopping event in February, to be held at the Tesco car park in Swindon. Other contestants recite the poem during the competition as a tribute.	TAURUS The recent total eclipse of the moon caused your Renault 4 to receive harmful infra red rays. However, your ingenious contraption - devised shortly before the occurrence - allows the rays to be converted into an environmentally friendly infra-power, which powers the car for six years, albeit at a frustrating speed of 2.6mph. It is featured on the late-night porn channel in Finland.
GEMINI Huge wads of cash fall from the sky after a meteorite crashes directly into the Royal Mint, England. In a scene reminiscent of Pacman, you chop the top off your R4 and drive around London trying to catch the notes in the car, whilst avoiding the ghosts (secret agents). Then, bizarre assorted objects such as cherries and pretzels bounce down the road and cause you to crash. You collect 43 Pounds.	CANCER You acquire a rare and debilitating disease which prevents you from saying the word 'toothpaste'. Consequently, your life is slowly ruined as your incomplete shopping requests prevent you from receiving any of this substance, your teeth fall out, you die of malnutrition and your R4 campaigns for better research into the condition.
LEO Recent activity around the constellation of The Great Bear forces Uranus to implode. Your financial affairs are jeopardised as a result, and you are forced to sell your R4 to a cabbage picker working on a farm in Burundi. However, you discover to your amazement that he is the world's most successful cabbage picker, and he introduces you to his glitz and glamour lifestyle in the media.	VIRGO Friends and relatives rally round to aid you following the collapse of your multi-million pound fig and prune pottery empire. Even the decorative dried fruit designs on your R4 have to go, and you sell what remains of the business to a bespoke tailor from Crewe. Destiny opens the airing cupboard door in a dolls house. Inside, you find a mini herb and tomato omelette.
LIBRA A Venetian rugby player smashes your wing mirror during a scrum in the fashionable new sport of street-rugger. You are forced to build a garage extension to your home, despite objections from the other 143 residents of the multi-storey tower block in which you live, who claim the new 12th floor edifice is a local eyesore and out of keeping with the vertical aspect of the building. A local codger is heard to shout 'ha'.	SCORPIO A government warning is issued to all R4 owners, reminding of the disastrous effects of chopping onions inside the car. This can cause the gears to clog, and front seat adjustment to become sticky and unresponsive. However, as Jupiter moves into your house of transport infrastructure, Saturn, all such worries dissolve in an untidy mess called Dave.
SAGITTARIUS A personality crisis affects your romantic intentions, and you rely on your R4 for consolation, although the car has emotional problems of its own relating to weight gain. It transpires that whilst you were asleep, the car has been making secret visits to the Pizza Palace, although this later turns out to actually be a majestic castle built entirely from dough, tomatoes and anchovies. No olives though, strangely.	CAPRICORN Depleting stocks of R4s around the mid-Atlantic cause a worldwide ban on R4 use, until a cunning sheet metal worker from Seville creates a Renault 4 farm to stem the extinction. However, farmed cars are shown to produce thirty per cent less body panel strength, and more likelihood of developing engine faults in early years. In response, Mariah Carey goes 'hmm', in fourteen rapidly changing pitches.
AQUARIUS A new book entitled Lowering The Age Of Consent For R4s: Psychological Perceptions In The Modern Era becomes a best seller in Andorra, but government censorship forces the withdrawal of copies from the shelves. You campaign for free speech, and the author, Rudolph Bernstein, invites you to a demonstration outside the parliament buildings, but your attendance is overshadowed by a large cloud.	PISCES You experiment with a mind-altering drug, which gives you the absurd impression that a Renault 4 website exists with such ridiculous things as star signs and spangly bright colours, and pretty pictures and pointless comments. Of course, when you come down and return to reality, such an idea seems farcical and worthy only of some fantasy world. Unless....

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