en
** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Pet Gum Park
Warning! Sensitive types, or Librans (or in particular, sensitive Librans) will not appreciate the predictions on this page. Click here to get out of here before it's too late, and try your luck again. Note: these star signs were first published in spring 2001, and admittedly, they're about the worst ones ever written.
| ARIES In an attempt to coax an R4 down from a tree, you call the fire brigade, who give you a lecture about letting cars go astray in coniferous areas. Spring rain brings the threat of flooding and you rent your car out to a sumo wrestler in a vain attempt to stop it being washed down the road, but just as the torrents arrive, he goes off to his monthly unicycle tuition. You find the car in Latvia two weeks later. | TAURUS 'Mummy, mummy, please don't drive over my tummy....' Rehearsals are going well for your sadistic but highly acclaimed play about a demented parent who goes on a callous murder spree around the neighbourhood in an R4. However, the final act is causing headaches for the props department, as they struggle to recreate Ipswich shopping precinct on a 14ft square stage. |
| GEMINI Your Renault 4 is spotted outside the Iranian Embassy in San Marino. This is due to the recent planetary conjunction of Saturn and Pluto, which coincidentally causes holographic mirages in the shape of R4s to appear around the globe. Soon, you are inundated with sightings, and a man weakly shouting 'I quite like you' outside a Britney Spears concert has his attention diverted by the illusion. | CANCER A small, welk-shaped boy graffitis all over the side of your car, so you take him to the courts. Luckily, he is a rather keen tennis fan and thanks you for your efforts. Recent orbital fluctuations around Venus leave you feeling down and out, until a new romance blossoms. Having told all your friends about the new love of your life, a broccoli storm leaves you both hospitalised. |
| LEO A cunning plan unhatched by your R4 is put through its paces. In a bid to win the national motor goat staring contest, you fit your car with countless exterior mirrors in an effort to see as many goats as possible whilst you drive around the circuit. This brilliant technique allows spotting of up to three times the goat average. However, your plans are foiled as foot and mouth disease forces the event to be postponed. | VIRGO Your R4 is involved in an accident, in which it gets shunted up its rear end near a local beauty spot. Some months later, a litter of miniature R4s are born, and you begin a pedigree breeding service for the elite. Pure bred GTL models sell for as much as 30,000 Pounds a piece, but in-breeding over the years causes defects in the cars, such as split bumpers and over-inflated tyres. |
| LIBRA You die (in an R4). | SCORPIO Whilst driving your R4 around the neighbourhood, an American spy R4 crashes into you. The spy car is held in your garage for inspection along with its passengers, then some thick bloke who runs the USA starts whinging. Your ruined car becomes a figure of national hero worship, and you discover the spy car contains nothing more than a pair of binoculars and a large crab. |
| SAGITTARIUS Your Renault 4 changes its name by deed poll to Roland Sandwich. When you question it about its decision, it storms off to the multi-storey in a huff. Later, you find pictures of R4 actress Laura Marmite Butty under the car bonnet, and it becomes clear this was a lacklustre attempt by your car to win her affections. In consolation, you treat it to a night at the movies to see her latest film, Bapworld. | CAPRICORN You become suspicious of attempts by local do-gooder Martin Cranberry Cutlet to double park next to your car, which blocks your exit every time you want to pull away. It transpires that he has an arrangement with a crabby old woman across the road, who doesn't like looking at your R4 out of her window every day. She thinks it degrades the street, and she smells of wee. |
| AQUARIUS The colour blue symbolises a new dawn in your spiritual quest. As the sun rises over your home one spring day, you will discover the secret of eternal motoring. You stand at the window of your bedroom and proclaim 'I am an R4, I am one, I am in harmony with the world, I give myself to you o' lord R4 of the sky.' A man at the bus stop throws a brick at you and you fall out the window onto the top of your R4. The brick is blue. | PISCES Tired and hungry after crossing the Aral Sea in your specially adapted floating R4, you reach land only to find yourself bombarded by coconuts thrown by international opera star Placido Domingo, who orders you off his property. When he realises you're starving, however, he feeds you a horse. Destiny opens a door to Woolworths in Nantwich, Cheshire. |
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