en

** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Peder Gømbrellsen

ARIES Your R4 enters the trendy new extreme sport of panda trampolining, or trampoline de panda as it is known in the French town of Montluçon where the event is staged. However, the car is disqualified when Chi-Chi points out that it is an imposter - it doesn't eat bamboo, it has no obvious animated expressions and isn't even black and white. The car returns home shamed and goes straight to bed.	TAURUS The curtain goes up on a new show you've co-created with your R4 at the Chiswick Youth Rehabilitation Centre (main hall), which was the only venue you could afford. This avant garde piece of modern theatre stars your car in a number of poses on stage, accompanied by seven timpani players who spin clay pots and shout 'freedom' every three minutes. It is critically acclaimed as rubbish.
GEMINI Aliens make their first friendly landing on planet Earth, but crush your car in the process whilst attempting a difficult ground thrust maneouvre. You are outraged at the fact that these creatures and their craft get all the media attention but nobody says a word about your R4 or who's going to foot the bill. It turns out the 'greys' aren't even insured and had a faulty rocket back box; even their UFO ID number was false.	CANCER Thirty-two abseiling ducks attempt to steal your R4 whilst you leave it parked by the local village pond. They're fed up with those long plant things they have to sleep in at the edge of the river, and have designs on your car's superior furnishings. But one of the pretentious ducks points out the lack of an aga or any similar stylish fish cooking facilities. And that battery will just have to go.
LEO An unfortunate time for your Renault 4, as it contracts mumps and comes up in a rash. Of course, all R4s have to go through this at some stage, but you do worry now that the car is 16 years old. You take it to the garage to have an injection in its petrol tank and all is well, except for a brief period when the vehicle gets puffy wings, starts hallucinating and having nightmares about Cremola Foam and KP Wickers.	VIRGO Your R4 has a bad experience with some dodgy petrol after a night bingeing on the A5, and decides to go straight for a while, leaving you without transport for several weeks. However, it isn't long before the car is back on the guzzle and keeps fighting with Citroëns outside pubs on Saturday nights. After a spell in a clinic you convert it to unleaded, and it is rejuvenated as a model R4; it even does its own washing.
LIBRA Romeo Romeo, R4 art thou Romeo. Your car is appearing in a community theatre production of Romeo and Juliet, but the recent solar eclipse causes a planetary conjunction which brings violent events later in the week for all vehicular Thespians. Meanwhile, your hunt for spares runs into a hitch after the car throws a tantrum and demands you adorn it only with designer label parts.	SCORPIO After setting up an R4 website one year ago, you sit at home one night upon the realisation that the latest astrological predictions are due for uploading. You sit there bored to tears for hours wondering what crap you can summon up out of your fatigued mind, and pondering if anybody ever actually bothers to read them. You get as far as Scorpio, then decide you are ultimately sad and need a life.
SAGITTARIUS Recent shifts in the constellation over the summer season impact upon your personal affairs, and those of your car. The colour pink symbolises your fight against injustice and furry toilet lid covers. Your R4 starts dating a Fiesta it met down the local supermarket car park, but you can't help feeling that this battered old Ford is not good enough for it, and you try to introduce it instead to your neighbour's Datsun.	CAPRICORN Capricorns have always had a selfish streak, which is never more apparent than when behind the wheel of your Renault 4. You sit there scoffing cakes, guzzling soda and knocking over cyclists with a callous disregard for everybody else on the road, except you then realise you're amidst the Tour de France and the crowd are giving you nasty looks. Destiny brings Iggy Pop to your back seat.
AQUARIUS Only you can decide the fate of your R4, as it sits perched atop a cliff after a recent split with its long term lover. Do you entice it back down with scones and the promise of hockey, or shove it off the edge for a laugh? Aquarian friends will try and influence you as the week passes, but you must learn to exert your power and not be coerced into decisions that do not match your principles. A blue book symbolises rebirth.	PISCES You discover a small ferret inside your engine compartment, and upon releasing it you experience real pleasure at seeing it return to its natural habitat. Speaking of which, Richard Gere pays a visit to your neighbourhood during filming for a new rodent drama to be released early next year. Be wary of false promises during the current alignment with Uranus.

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