en

** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Petar Gumbrellov

ARIES A hapless sailor greets you upon arriving at your job in the circus, telling you he's crossed two continents to come and see your show, which involves driving six Renault 4s stacked on top of each other around a ring, clowns juggling shock absorbers and elephants throwing custard pies at windscreens. The final act all goes horribly wrong though, when a lion accidentally drives an R4 into the audience.	TAURUS You receive a phone call from Richard Branson, who is attempting to be the first person to voyage around the world in an R4. He seeks your advice on gas cannisters, basket design and restrictions in Chinese airspace, only to be disillusioned when you tell him the R4 is not a balloon. The current conjunction between Pluto and Orion causes your engine to seize up, so expect a tough time financially this autumn.
GEMINI You treat the family to a Sunday outing, and drive to the National Wildlife Centre. Whilst sat drinking tea in a café near a bin with wasps around it, your R4 is quietly conversing with a resident otter, an ability few owners realise their R4s possess. It learns all about the 'other life', and before the end of the day has set off on a journey through Nepal to discover itself. Destiny paints the colour yellow in a tunnel.	CANCER Your R4 has a row with your neighbour's Nissan Cherry, and the two now refuse to park near each other. You attempt to patch things up by taking them out together on a trip to the local yacht museum, but the Cherry ends up in tears and you tell your car off for being such a big bully. Beware lecturers with beards, who will try and influence your choice of multigrade oil. A shooting star brings dreams of Kenya a step closer.
LEO A polite young man with a severed ankle approaches you in the street, enquiring about getting a lift. At first you point him in the direction of the Otis headquarters down the road, but when he rephrases the question you offer to drive him to the bus station. Out of curiosity you follow his bus, and end up back where you started, whereupon he flags down another R4 and arrives back forty minutes later. On further investigation, it transpires he is an R4 addict who doesn't own his own car.	VIRGO Mrs Gubbins from number 42 knocks at your door demanding twenty-six pounds and fifty pence for the damage your R4 did to her fence. You refuse, only to discover she's taken the car hostage in her garage, and will not release it until you pay the ransom. Trained officers from the local R4 squadron are used to dealing with these situations, and come along to negotiate a deal, but accidentally shoot her in the armpit. The R4 escapes unscathed.
LIBRA Your R4 has a casual encounter with an Aston Martin, and you can't help feeling this car is a bit of a Jack-the-lad. When your Renault arrives home one night with dents all over its front wing, you go storming round the Aston Martin's house to sort it out. Whilst smashing its bonnet, the owner comes out accusing you of being insane, saying that cars don't have emotions or personalities and you need your head tested. You are devastated, and owe him 412 Pounds.	SCORPIO Planetary activity in the region of Neptune causes long periods of dark voids in your life as the nights draw in this autumn. Your R4 becomes withdrawn and distances itself from you. Clouds will gather in your mind and you question your abilities as you become more and more cynical, arrogant, sarcastic, rude and unfaithful. Which is all fine, because you don't believe in astrology and declare all this a load of bollocks.
SAGITTARIUS Your R4 is starting to embarrass you when you visit the garage for a refill. It's going through that phase in life where it declares pints a thing of the past, and keeps ordering shorts such as Pernod Unleaded. The small measures barely get you home and you slowly wean it back onto the Guinness Super Plus. Be wary of other people's harsh attitudes caused by Jupiter's strong seasonal presence. A crumpled xylophone symbolises disorder in your engine compartment.	CAPRICORN As the sun lines up with the constellation of Aries, you suffer violent mood swings, one day taking the R4 down the shops, the next opting for the bus in spite. Pressure eases towards the winter solstice, and you relax your attitude, feeling guilt and remorse towards your car for mistreating it. As a reward, you treat it to a slap-up hedgehog supper on your next trip through the forest.
AQUARIUS One of the fates that befalls all Aquarians at some point during life is that of dribbling orange juice down their chin at a party. And now is no time to be complacent; be on your guard as the moon's orbit tries every trick in the book to shame you in public. Your Renault 4 will be a good companion, serving as a useful escape route from difficult situations. Expect the strains to ease mid-quarter, as a new love enters your life.	PISCES Whilst recording an interview for a documentary about ritualised napkin abuse, your R4 meets up with a producer who is keen to introduce it to the glamorous world of film and TV. You later find he has links in the porn industry and is trying to lure your R4 into the seedy underworld, at one stage offering large sums of money for pictures of the car with no doors on. You dissuade the car from making further contact.

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