en

** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Pierre Gumbrelle

ARIES Whilst drifting unconsciously between your conscious and subconscious states, you discover a new area of your mind that you never knew existed - your overconscious. In this state, you do far too much in maintaining every aspect of your precious Renault 4 website as if anybody really cares, commenting intricately on every aspect of its operation, even though most visitors are eating a pie and goggling at the pictures. You then decide to update the star signs, which is even more unnecessary.	TAURUS You launch an R4 missile directed at Tony Blair's head. In every way it has the appearance of a normal Renault 4-cum-missile, but inside is a cleverly crafted mixture of faded musician ethos, embarassing fellow ministers' punch-up videos and the dashed hopes of several million people. It goes off a treat, sending beautiful displays over Number 10 for all of Southwark and West Greenwich to see. Destiny leads to a pink door in a school.
GEMINI You scream 'oh look it's that ad on the telly with the Renault 4 in it' so loudly that not only does your voice break at long last (something you'd always worried about), but half the street come running out holding their ears saying 'I wish that twit would shut up'. Mrs Pankhurst at number 52 doesn't know to what you're referring, however, as she only watches the BBC, unaware that several other channels have been available for years in this modern world.	CANCER It's curtains for the operetta you've been staging at the Boston Young Offenders Institute Community Centre in Lincolnshire. Having arduously worked and reworked the performance and spent many months co-writing and choreographing it, the R4 tenor pulls out complaining that it doesn't have enough good lines and never actually gets to start its engine and show itself off. You rewrite the production for a cute Metro who's all too eager to take the Quatrelle's place, but funding is withdrawn and you emigrate to Mongolia instead.
LEO Having pigged out over Xmas, you now find yourself unable to squeeze into the driver's seat of your R4, as the steering wheel is too close to your bloated stomach and you can't move it back because you stashed a blow-up Jimmy Tarbuck doll behind it for emergencies. So, you opt for a brisk walk every day for the next fortnight to burn some of that fat off. This creates a crisis, however, when you are unable to attend a drive-in crêche event later in the month.	VIRGO Having spent weeks and weeks carefully restoring the bodywork of your R4 in preparation for repainting, an idiot from the local council knocks a heavy internal door that he's been carrying out of a property against it, creating a large dent on the front near side wing. Upon requesting compensation from the council, who just happen to be Salford City Council (though I've no idea why that might be), they reject all your claims and try to deny all knowledge of the incident. You place a curse on their offices so they all die horribly at an early stage of life.
LIBRA A pair of twin American brothers, who go by the unfortunate and rather atrocious names of Vance and Dwayne, take your gran on a hair-raising joyride in an R4 towards Mexico. Upon reaching the border, however, they do a runner and leave her stranded dealing with the patrol guards. She is baffled and frightened by the attention, but all is well after she offers them a mint imperial from a crumpled white paper bag. Her croaky old voice says 'here, little boy, have one of these', and the guards fall for it, as she passes through the border and sells the remaining mint-cum-cocaine balls to a classical guitarist.	SCORPIO A small child offers you his plastic Tonka tricycle in exchange for your Renault 4, and in a state of drunken disillusionment you accept the offer. You knew deep inside that this was a bad move and would only lead to trouble - leaving an infant in charge of a petrol-driven motor car. Unsurprisingly, it all goes wrong, control just can't be maintained over the vehicle, and in an horrific incident you plough your Tonka truck into the wall of a newsagents. The boy is later commended for steering his car clear of your path, and is awarded a full driving licence.
SAGITTARIUS Upon re-examining a Christmas card from someone you once met at a rubbish tip, you find that the first letter of each sentence spells out the words 'I kill R4'. You now have a mission - this is war! You drive back to the tip, and find several crushed R4s whilst searching amongst the rubble. You inform Abba, who are baffled and redirect you to the police, who in turn declare this the work of the world's first R4 serial killer. Evidence of fourteen previous victims is uncovered and the culprit is given 72 hours of community service working in a sugar beet factory.	CAPRICORN You arrange a meeting with a shady man at Heathrow Airport Terminal 4, in which you unhatch plans to secretly import continental Renault 4s to Britain. However, the current alignment of Jupiter and Aquarius strikes him down with a terrible illness, and he dies shortly before the first consignment arrives. This broken link in the chain causes logistical problems, and suspicions are aroused when a cargo handler waits several hours for anybody to claim the cars. You are prosecuted for being an R4 mule, which is an ancient offence not enforced for over thirty years.
AQUARIUS Bingo! That's what you shout down the local hall and you win prize money equivalent to 50,000 Pounds. Naturally, you spend large amounts renovating your Renault 4, and you spend some more on importing another from abroad in sparkling condition. You give birth to a bouncing baby, your latest novel shoots to number 4 in the sales chart, and you appear on This Is Your Life, which comes as a wonderful surprise. But, hang on, this is just all too happy, so then you die.	PISCES The conjunction between Mars and Orion this winter causes emotional turmoil in the life of you and your R4. The car fails to start on several mornings, and attends counselling sessions to overcome its carbon dioxide addiction. You, meanwhile, turn to the marzipan for comfort, but pickings from the Christmas cake only last for a couple of weeks, after which you become stressed and suffer withdrawal symptoms. Expect things to lighten up around Easter time, when a new sports personality enters your life.

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