en

** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Piotr Gumbrellinski

ARIES You sit wondering why every three months you have to write a set of a dozen confused, drunken insights into the unlikely lives of Renault 4 owners for publication on a silly website. The new dawn of Pisces in the south allows a state of astrological paranoia to set in, and your ramblings become more reflective and deranged than ever before. You ponder over ending your first passage with a question mark, but why would you want to do that?	TAURUS Taureans have a bullish instinct that can occasionally overshadow the subtler aspects of their personality, and in a demonstration of such, you paint your Renault 4 matt black with a giant rhinoceros mural on the bonnet. You receive a call from a local zoo who wish to use your car for publicity, but you are dismayed when Jim the fat bloke from down the road is offered the job instead for his peacock-featured Reliant Robin. Destiny paints a brown light on a frosty horizon.
GEMINI The nebular disturbance around the Pluto sherbert cluster forces gloomy times ahead with your car, but expect this to be lifted nearer the summer solstice when evil forces are pushed aside. The shift in the interstellar aspect of Altair brings welding jobs to the fore, and you will at first be puzzled by the perplexing array of problems presented. Patience will bring pleasant reward and you can look forward to the most exciting season of recent years.	CANCER A teacher from your old school bumps into you on the way to work, and reminisces very tediously about his own interest in classic cars as a youngster fresh out of national service. After several minutes yawning in his company, you punch him and run off, only to find the police on your doorstep on arrival back home. Following your arrest for common assault, you are sentenced to eighty hours of community service emptying wee from old people's potties.
LEO You decide that Renault 4 ownership goes hand in hand with beard growth, and set about growing your own, only to remember your name is Sophie and your friends think you are weird. You turn your R4 into a mobile cattery with lodgings for thirty-two animals, but they make a mess with their food and leave random meat chunks around your dashboard, which is unappealing to the potential new partner you have been trying to entice. The numbers 3 and 7 take on special meaning after the second new moon.	VIRGO Planetary activity in your 5th house of love and relationships whips up some astonishing events towards the end of spring. You will be practically overloaded with potential lovemates falling at your feet, and will need to make some harsh decisions to control the situation. You take each one for a ride in your R4 to gauge their reactions, which should help clear the air and set a path for you to follow, especially when one of them guffaws and brags about their BMW and you smack them in the mouth.
LIBRA The normal steady balance of life around you is thrown into disarray when a passing Renault 4 honks you on the motorway. In a hurried attempt to wave back, you accidentally nudge the wiper stalk and squirt water over the top of your car, but it hits the coach behind you and sends the driver careering up a sliproad towards Sidcup. Destiny paints a familiar face behind a wing mirror in a faraway land.	SCORPIO The conjunction of Mercury and Jupiter during May sends you into a spiral of despair, as Susan the Goddess of Power unleashes all her sinister spells upon you. Friends desert you, work companions treat you with contempt, lovers toss you around like a stir-fry prawn and, worst of all, your Renault 4 is destroyed in a freak storm. You are left in tatters, penniless and distraught. On a brighter note, you fix a leak in your kitchen ceiling.
SAGITTARIUS You set off for Iraq in your Renault 4 with the aim of justifying the vast unnecessary expenditure on its chassis defences over the previous decade. Your intentions are to acquire some cheap petrol and remove some dirty gasket from the engine of power, whilst also ridding the world of other vehicles of mass production. En route, you can't help slaying countless innocent civilians when your steering keeps going astray, but you claim this is okay because you managed to correct your back axle of evil.	CAPRICORN Being a Capricorn is not easy, and sometimes it just seems that life is too hard, with obstacles being constantly thrown into your path. Well, tough! Get on with it and stop moaning. The current alignment with Saturn creates a glorious opportunity to begin a new plan, one which will form the backdrop of the new you and your exciting new life. Expect a Renault 4 to feature strongly in the equation, and use your willpower to carve out a challenging but worthwhile new beginning; or just stay in bed every day for a month.
AQUARIUS Sexual encounters during the last quarter of the moon in June will suffer from a lack of vigour and enthusiasm - you just can't take your mind off the Renault 4 and the many joys it possesses. Be open to advice from others you would normally shun, and attempt to patch things up by acting bravely and throwing caution to the wind. Money is always tight but you must learn to let your hair down and free your mind every once in a while. Destiny opens a door with a small yellow handle.	PISCES Paradise will seem a longer way off than ever before during this difficult next few months but perseverance is the key, and you can look forward to a fresh start come the autumn. Solar activity will present some mystifying coincidences in your life that could open up fresh horizons. Your Renault 4 will love you all the more for some regular care and treatment, and a long journey is in store for which an old flame awaits you at the end. The letters G and R herald a whirlwind romance.

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