en

** fourtune teller **
by intrepid star-gazer Piedro Gumbrelangro

ARIES Short of inspiration for a new book you have begun working on, you turn to your trusty Renault 4 in the hope of acquiring fresh ideas and renewed vigour in your exhausted mind. You take daily trips to local beauty spots and return home each evening with plenty of enthusiasm for putting pen to paper. Your book, previously a horror thriller entitled Lair Of The Beast, takes an unusually light approach halfway through, and is newly named Day Trips Around Sussex In A Renault 4. Sales plummet, and you leap off Beachy Head.	TAURUS The alignment of Jupiter and Pluto in your solar chart indicates a menacing time for all matters concerning your car. With the conjunction of Orion later in the autumn this loose cannon creates a firey relationship between the components that more commonly work in tandem with one other. Watch your fluid levels, check your brakes, tyres and suspension at frequent intervals and be wary of forces that try to tear your car apart. Respite will follow at the end of the year when the soothing energy of Saturn calms your car to a state of unity.
GEMINI You move to Spain and open a jamón museum, then you eat all the ham, run off with a nun from Dumfries, drown her in a pond, swim to Hondarribia, get a job laying tarmac, buy a jar of pickled onions, put them in the tarmac, steal some traffic cones, place them in a ring on top of the tower of Pisa, jump off the tower onto a lorry full of bread, drive to Switzerland and sell the bread to an orphanage, marry an orphan, buy her a Renault 4, drive over the pickled onions and return home for the football. Typical Gemini.	CANCER Whilst enjoying a hearty lunch with a chattering crowd of middle class picnickers from Oxfordshire, a batsman for the local village cricket team steals your Renault 4 and crashes it into a tree further down the lane. You find him dazed and shaken but still alive in a neighbouring field. On closer inspection, you discover he is actually the Son of God, and he floats off into the sky on a tiny cloud. You tell your friends, who later abandon you and stop answering the phone. Destiny brings a long lost relation closer to home.
LEO Being truthful can sometimes be your weakest point, and others will try to take advantage if you let this situation continue. The strong presence of Mars around your birthday will give you an ideal opportunity to come clean and shed years of emotional baggage. A soothing of relationships is also due in the final stages of summer, which is the time you will most appreciate your Renault 4 and its ever faithful presence in your life. The purring of its engine will prove a bigger turn-on than expected for a close companion.	VIRGO You launch a Meals On Wheels service from the back of your Renault 4 van, to serve the needs of the local elderly community, but the vehicle's famous leans and rolls around corners leave your prawn madras falling into the apricot pudding and the vegetable stew infiltrating the plates of vol-au-vents. Trifles turn upside down and melon balls roll under the front seats every time you brake. The geriatric customers, however, love the new menu and hail your R4 a motoring masterchef. Destiny sows seeds of love in your garage.
LIBRA In a worrying surge of patriotism, you paint a Union Jack on the roof of your Renault 4, only for the craftwork to be ruined in the middle of the night by vandals who scratch a crude image of male genitalia into the centre of the cross. You desperately get out your body filler and respray the affected area entirely green, but it is again desecrated by nationalist zealots who assume your creation to be a representation of the flag of Libya. You chop off the roof and turn your R4 into a convertible instead.	SCORPIO Scorpios have a tendency for mischief, and this is demonstrated during the scorching summer months when, in a moment of lunacy, you speed along a harbour jetty in your Renault 4, applying the brakes at the last possible moment and skidding to a halt with inches to spare between yourself and the deep brown sea (a British speciality). Unwittingly, in a moment of triumph you clamber out the door, fists raised in the air, only to drop twenty feet vertically into the water below. Lifeguards pull you to shore and make you feel very, very stupid.
SAGITTARIUS George Dubya Bush visits Downing Street to discuss with Tony Blair which would be the easiest country to invade next. When he departs and walks towards his limousine, you go crashing through the gates in your Renault 4 and speeding towards him. Head down below the windows, you steam into him and scatter limbs across the frontage of Number 10. You are shot 247 times by security guards but become a martyr for the best possible cause. Oh, sorry, this isn't an astrological prediction, just a desperate fantasy.	CAPRICORN Planetary activity is very forceful throughout the coming season, and this stirs up troubles for you and your car. It seems that it isn't behaving itself and everything you want the vehicle to do, it does the opposite. This rare phenomenon is the result of the Piscean constellation moving into the alignment of your 5th house, Mercury, which is known to have caused Renault 4 tantrums during its previous two occurrences in 1965 and 1984. A small injection of whisky into the engine lubricants in late August will cure all, and autumn driving will be bliss.
AQUARIUS A recommendation made to you by a user of this site will bring about untold wealth and happiness in your life during the coming sunny spell. You will enjoy peace of mind and security in your relations with others, and will have a higher capacity than normal for believing astrological predictions. The new moon in September could destroy everything, however, if you do not drive your Renault 4 enough times. Destiny brings to life an almost dormant friend, who holds the secret to a magic chamber.	PISCES As you relax in the sweet summer breeze, tottering along in your Renault 4, the wicked coinciding aspects of Venus and Neptune cause turmoil in your house of friendships. Nicolexius, the Goddess of Domestic Arguments, throws spanners into the works by turning all your desires into extreme opposites when they manifest into reality. You can repel these dark forces by visualising all your ills on the roads ahead as you drive, and squashing them under the wheels of your R4. Destiny sends horses across your carpet.

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