en

** fourtune teller **
pathetic predictions from Psychic Pete

ARIES Down at the chemist, you bump into local Renault 4 owner, Farmer Suitical, who is seeking treatment for his foot and mouth. In trying to help, you go and burn all his cows, only to find him limping back up the road to his farm in horror, with a bandage around his ankle and cream covering the ulcers on his lower lip. He bumps you off with a shotgun, then becomes a cause célèbre upon being sentenced to jail. The Renault 4 escapes unharmed.	TAURUS You befriend an old lady at a bus stop, and spend your journey on the front seat of the lower deck chatting about the war and the antics of Mrs Southers at number 42. Twenty minutes later, you accompany the lady off the hydraulically lowered step and to her front door, where she thanks you and rewards your considerate efforts with the keys to her Renault 4. You drive off home with a satisfied smile, tucking into her paper bag of mint imperials as you go, only to choke and crash into a tree. She sues for the damage.
GEMINI A green Renault 4 whizzes past you on the motorway, and in straining your neck in desperation to see the number plate, you twist your head to a permanent state of facing ninety degrees to the right. After several unsuccessful hospital treatments, you resign yourself to the condition and set about adapting your life instead to suit the predicament. Your acting career takes a nosedive following your appearance as Hamlet, in which the audience interpret your constant gaze to stage right as being a casual disinterest in playing the part.	CANCER Your Renault 4 develops an allergic reaction to sesame, which makes driving hazardous as you strain your eyes for small seeds on the road surface. Whilst giving a lift to your friend, they spill some houmous on the front seat and the car goes into fits and spasms, careering all over the dual carriageway and sending you into a grade 1 listed water tower. Destiny throws light upon a lifelong unsolved problem.
LEO The conjunction of Uranus in your house of love creates a whirlwind romance this spring, which reaches its apex during a ride to the supermarket in your Renault 4. Watch for the signs in your wing mirrors which signify the optimal moment to lurch across at your partner and make the first dramatic move. Try to avoid embracing at the roundabout, else your altered balance and flustered attempts to find something to grip onto may give the wrong impression.	VIRGO You take your Renault 4 to Brighton beach, and watch it happily bobbing up and down on the waves. Tragedy strikes when a receding tide draws the car out to sea and sends it smashing into the remains of the West Pier. By turn of fortune, the wreck becomes a new tourist attraction and revives the long lost hopes of restoring the resort's infamous landmark. The numbers 6 and 9 represent a new move in the property market.
LIBRA Three builders from Dumbarton hire your R4 van for the weekend, misleading you into thinking it is being driven for transportation of bricks and cement, but you later find it with its canvas sunroof open being used as a skip on a council estate. In retaliation, you steal their Ford Escort XR3i and set up a mobile mortuary service, returning the car to them days later complete with three stiff grandads on the back seat. Destiny peels fruit in a blizzard.	SCORPIO The moon is at odds with the constellation of Leo, and this gives rise to a drama in your home around Easter time. Ignore the crooked advice of colleagues who try to lure you into the dark side when making decisions about omelettes and other egg matters. The persuasive elements of one close friend will be impossible to resist, and you find yourself setting off on a long Renault 4 adventure that will cause a rethink in your life's ambitions.
SAGITTARIUS You are a menace to society, but you continue with your unsociable pastimes, which include public exhumations in Chippenham High Street. To the repulsion of onlookers gathered outside Woolworths, you dig up the remains of former local baker Mr Grimes, before offering your hat around for loose change. Other street performers petition the council and you are turfed off your patch, being replaced by a mime artist in a Mike Yarwood mask. Destiny brings a long lost Renault 4 classic in from the cold.	CAPRICORN A shipping magnate from Norway proposes a deal whereby you export Renault 4s from all over the world to Scandinavia for the world's largest art installation - a stack of three thousand cars stretching beyond the stratosphere. The forty-million-pound deal collapses when you complain of sea sickness on the first run, and return home crying. The planetary alignment of Mercury and Spain causes tempers to flare during a cooking crisis.
AQUARIUS The wet weather this spring causes further rot to develop on the underside of your Renault 4, and as a quick fix you attempt to patch it up with the pancakes left over from last night's dinner. The lemony batter smell which permeates through the air vents leaves you drooling for fish and chips each time you drive the car, and in satisfying your stomach with such delights for one month you unintentionally put on four stone. Destiny brings shouts of 'oi, fatty!' from passers by, until a summer of slimming follows.	PISCES Your Renault 4 suffers violent mood swings after taking a course of antibiotics initially diagnosed for an ignition problem. Consequently, the vehicle is unsafe to drive and you leave it sitting idle for most of the season ahead. Two months of solitary confinement bring the car to the brink of a breakdown, but you sign up for full cover with a motoring organization and look forward to the summer treating it to jaunts around the countryside. The letter A holds many surprises for you and your car this spring.

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